Lump

It hurts.
Laying down,
sitting up.

It hurts,
I can't come to terms.
I won't see a doctor.

It hurts.

I wish I could leave you.

Four years in May,
of battles, and pursuits.

I told you before,
and you understood.

Why must you be so good?
You listened and discussed.

I wish I could leave you,
but you're just to much.

You deal with my sassy,
and stubborn attitude.

Somehow you manage,
and though we have broken up.

Nearly twenty-one times,
I can't seem to get enough.

You amaze me every day,
and your blue eyes keep me at bay.

Somehow I just know,
I am not going to stay.

It was hard to say,
and you were the first one I told.

Over supper one evening,
and since then I accepted it.

Yet I have known for years,
I never told anyone.

Until of course, my best friend
finally told me.

It was then I gave up,
I know my parents won't accept it.

Half of society still doesn't,
and neither do you.

You get upset when I discuss it,
or comment on it for that matter.

There is not another person,
but another genre.

I knew before we started dating,
but yet I finally can accept it.

I love you so much,
and I don't want to leave you.

You're my heart, soul, and rock.
I know I love two genres now.

Which sometimes make me laugh.
It's not that I am scared of others thoughts.

I'm scared of my own,
I will miss you far too much.

I stay for this,
and I may never know.

Other books may unfold,
and I will be here.

I want to know,
and I feel it every day.

It hurts so bad,
and it is a feeling I can't describe.

Somehow I know,
my journey will take me in my path.

I love every part of you,
I am not sure it is you.

Her Sexuality.

She was beautiful,
those eyes as bright as the sun.
Why? Why? Why?
are her parents screaming in misery?

She is just as human as they are.
I loved her I did.
Yet she was lost, and clueless.
Coming out for her was just so bearing.

She knew since she was eleven,
long before actually.
Became my beautiful angel on,
her 21st birthday.

Came out when she was twenty.
It just was not enough.
They wanted doctors, and lawyers.
A daughter just was not enough.

A soul so beautiful, it could
not be touched.
Her body was plain to say the least.
In the best way ever.

It was bare, and pale,
breasts perfect.
Legs narrow, and lips plump.
My favorite part was her dimples.

I miss her, I do.
I don't hate,
her brainwashed parents either.
Yes, they are stupid.

I can't hate that,
my darling is in God hands.
but I'd rather have her here with me.
I never told her secret

Four years, and forty-seven days,
she did it.
I loved her to much, to let her go.
I knew this would happen,

I tried to prevent it,
but I failed to change her direction.
I live with it every day, and though
God has almost taken me.

I know now it is not time,
but I will see her again.
I will.
I dare myself to every day.

Every part of me wanted to live, but I wanted the pain to die.

I wanted to live, I did.

Truly fully live, but I could not.

You ate me every day, my soul.

Lost like a peanut in an almond can.

I could not find my way out.

I would drink away my sorrows,

and throw my pain into drugs.

My escape through me into a six-foot hole.

Two years later,

but remorse I feel daily.

Regrets of the day, I almost died.

Flashbacks, and blurry moments.

What felt was right then, 

turned out to be so wrong for others.

Doctors saved me, but I am not sure,

I wanted to be. 

The memories, now haunt me.

I can't be near a pill bottle,

for more than a minute.

Quite frankly, nothing helped me.

Psssh, therapists.

I could never tell this life.

I dug myself out, and crazily enough

I became my destined spirit.

Never even wrote about this day,

as it kills me, like I almost did to myself.

Some still do not understand, 

and question my decisions.

Yet society pushes dignity with death,

for terminally ill patients.

It still is looked down upon.

Suicide.

If we were in the right state of mind,

I doubt we would kill ourselves.

If you were not terminally ill,

I doubt you would kill yourself.

Both of us do not want to die,

We want to rid our pain.

Not so much fly to the sky.

How can you live when your sick.

Or in that state of mind.

We praise equality for all,

and a fair death, but it does not

seem that way at all.

Alone Again

The blood spurted out,

warm almost from beneath the blade.

My soul sad, and body in pain, but yet

in this moment I felt so good.

Tears strolling down my face,

but to me a release.

A balloon of emotions, slowly

losing air.

How I felt during these moments,

was so weird to some.

Yet, I have since became better

I yearn to feel this again.

Someway and anyhow,

I want that balloon to slowly pop.

I want to feel let go of these emotions,

I am feeling.

I feel alone again,

lost in despair, and blood filled tears.

Wiping down my face, and my whole.

I do not want anyone in this moment,

and it feels as though it will last forever.

Please just let me discharge this pain.

Just let me go.

If there is another way,

sell it to me, I am begging you.

If not, I will find myself deep,

in the bathroom, or maybe in the sink.

I will, I will, I will.

I have lost all self-control.

As some think, it is easy.

It is not.

Invisible liness.

Tingling ears all day,

a mute sound ringing in your canal.

A drop of pain, and there it goes.

Through your face and to your knees.

A smile is always up kept and clean,
those who don't know, don't need to know.

They may never know, just as you don't either.

Your battles are large, but so are theirs. 

Angel

Angel I love you so dear,

You taught me, so much.

All I want is to hear your voice,

but your gone too soon. 

Too soon for me, but not for heaven.

I know you took that, new hip and flew right in with your precious angel wings.

Follow your heart. 

You

You 

I put some of your stuff away today

I didn't want to but I couldn't see it anymore

I wanted you to stay

But I let you go right out the door

I'm strong enough to live each day

Although it feels like a task, a chore

I couldn't make you suffer and live at bay.

Love

Love

They say you always have somebody

But how can you feel so alone,

when your surrounded
by people that love you

Those who say nothing is above you.

Funny what love to them is nothing that you feel.

The definition for some is not pure

And not real. 

Liar, liar. Do you feel better now?

You lied to that woman.

I saw you lie to her, like you lie to me.

Like you to lie to everyone.

Her 56 inch tall emotionally high strung self, yet was unaware. 

Blind from what her "Doctor" did.

Your the thirteenth doc I have been too. 

I keep going, and receiving no answers, but yet another road to untold stories.

My knowledge eats you up, as you can not deceive me.

I know my illness all to well, and it aggravates you to hell.

Your college degree means nothing now, you paid someone to be a self-indulgent heartless liar.

Use your aggression, and belittling behaviors, but it won't work on me.

I am not another paycheck for your Mercedes Ben, or 600,000 dollar house.

I am human. I have two legs and two arms, a heart that is bigger than this lonely building, and small narrow room.

You try to maintain a professional look, but use cheap tools and low quality machinery. 

Your best tool is your mouth, because you trick, and try to be oh so slick. 

Darling, you are not kidding me.

I have a soul and a spirit of a gypsy.

I just had not found it then,

3 years later, with out all of you.

I found my hippy behaviors, and the holistic beauty in myself.

I know more about my illness then you ever will.

The difference between you and I is I experienced it, you studied it.

You studied it for money, but my passion has helped more than you will in a lifetime.

Goodbye, you self-centered fool.

I thank you for your childish acts, and naive actions.

For you brought out my soul, through my hatred for you. I have found love for everyone but you. 

This poem is dedicated to all individuals suffering with the chronic illness Temporal Mandibular Joint Disorder, and the struggle to find a diagnosis for this incurable disease. 

Losticious.

Losticous

Mama, Papa

My biggest heroes

Giants so tall

So cuddly and warm

To fight the monsters 

Always swarmed me when I called

Giving me tons of  kisses and hugs

Never could I fear for anything because I had my oh sweetest dears..

My tears were fought by my giant queen and King.

Although my queen never had a ring she was just the best when you heard her sing. 

I may never truly see how much was done while my king was at sea..

It seems as time flys I wonder what I will leave behind

formed by the dings they left on my heart.

I now see words can cause an amazing start

My king and my queen are much a lesson to an amazing session. I had enjoyed much of my fairytale days.

Although at times I start to feel sad when my tears are not wiped by my king and queen

 

Caused of confusion and lies.

My head filled with water drowning 

While still alive

Thoughts kept secret for so long. 

Sometimes as I burrow

I feel I must try to rejoice. I've tried to set sail but I sank as my king filled the tanks. I lost my breath and conscious of who I was and couldn't find a place.

Pain of Illness and direction that no kingdom could ace.

My horse brought me to a place no ever had been before. In darkness and doom I wrote out my will.

Loss of hope and flow I would soon never know..

What do you do when your kingdom fails you too? The giants that once sang you a tune..

Suddenly make you start to prevail.

I feel low because I lost the love of my two darling dears.

My sweet mom and dad.

Grateful

Some people do not realize

Life is not about who you know

Nor the position somebody is in

What society defines you on is not what you are

So stop thinking you have to dress to impress

Stop acting different around somebody that is in a higher position then you

Stop belittling people that are below you 

Stop fighting with people that are equal to you

Stop trying to prove you are some how and some way better than them

Be yourself and let them love you for you

Show big acts of kindness not little acts of envy or hatred

Embrace that we are all equal and nothing on this earth can define us besides yourself 

Everyone has a different story to be told

If we cut it short with jealousy or a cultivation of hatred a fire starts and you burned the pages of a book you may never get to read

Love and kindness can water it down but those pages are just dust in the air then

Make your story because there is only one you and that is why only we can define us

If you read your book would you be happy? Change who you are today because you never know when yours or someone else's book will come to an end.

Your Will

May 10, 1990
You wrote it twenty-five years ago.
I was not even created, or possibly even thought of.
Though, I was in it.

Addressed to your siblings, children,
grandchildren, and anyone who loved you.

It was simple, and clear,
a true definition of who you were,
who you ARE.

Your first thoughts, of course
were concerns for others.
Requesting in hopes for your money,
to cover your burial.

If not you wanted the cheapest burial possible,
and no one to stress over the cost.

Expressing your sincerity,
as tears strolled down our faces.

In three short letters, only written on one side each
lyed your wishes, and words of wisdom you always shared.

Nothing was materialistic,
because you knew what life was about.

Everyone would receive a memento,
and if anything was argued over, between your children,
it would be given to charity or a random stranger.

Money was never at bay, we would sell nothing.
Give, share, and cherish.

Advice to listen to our spouses, and children,
families and live our lives.

You could not have said it better, it was never edited
through out the years for this reason.

So brave, so strong, so loving.

Black Out Drunk

You awake in a small room
cold, and uncovered.
Your shoes are missing,
but, you do not care.

You are lost,
unaware of where you are.
So you do what anyone would do,
and get up to leave.

Get away from wherever,
this cold narrow room should lead.
Leaving your shoes as there
is no time to get them.

Slowly walk up the stairs,
as you hope not to make a creek,
You see your friend, and she says
Geesh are you still drunk.

Suddenly flashbacks of last night,
are not so scary

Once learning the events,
of this blurred night.
You were punched in the face,
threw up in somebody's car,
and might have been raped by the man
that is now so far,

across the living room.
Forget your shoes and follow your instincts.

Think I remember nothing,
I am going to the doctor and just get checked
real quick, being a virgin I would not know 
the signs of rape or sex. 

Instead, you go home,
a headache pounding with hangover all day.
You insist to yourself it never happened,
but live with it every day.

You cried on this day,
sore in pain.

Saving your rapist,
from his true day.