I'm Not Sure Why.

From outside my body.
They saw me, dazzling in distress.

I feel my breaths deepen,
as if I am twirling in agony.

My arms are wrapping around my
cold body, and tightening as they grasp me.

I let out the air my lungs captured,
and contained.

As I exhale it is almost as if a lid flew off
of a container.

I scream in terror, and they stare.
Only pondering what is wrong with my small body.

As they watch I wonder too.
I know that delivery bell shut me down.

Yet a cold wet tear swims down my face,
it is followed by more and more showers.

Still in aisle nine, where I was just smiling
picking out some pasta sauce.

Laughing with my lover,
and daughter.

Enjoying this sweet time,
we are able to joke and laugh.

Where we are able to forget,
and live in the moment.

I uncover my knotted arms tight as a rope,
only to hide my tears that have salted into my mouth.

Carefree I am lost.
My soul is stolen.

There is no key to unlock this misery.
No cure, and nothing to subside it.

The pain my body feels is because of you.
You took more then I ever imagined.

One night was all it took,
to take away my everyday.

In those moments I am not sure why.
Not sure why I am like this.

I want to be that girl

As tears stroll down.
They drip onto this photograph.
The pain I feel flushing as it rises through my veins.

I wish I could be that girl.
The one before the abuse.
Her smile so real, it could build a rainbow from her tears.

I miss that girl.
The girl before she was assaulted.
The girl before she was used and wiped cleaned.

I want to be that girl.
Just tell me why I can't be that girl?
I had to succumb to evil, and pain.
Yet why can't I still be her?

I fucking miss her. Dammit.
I scroll and scroll hoping I can wake up in her bedroom.
Just wondering if time could flashback for a mere second and place my soul back where she was.

She ran, and she felt,
and she was full of health.
I forget that she fought, I forget that she begged herself to keep going.

Her life was never easy.
She yearned to leave, to find an escape.
Then she did, and now she yearns to be that girl.

The girl in the photographed blushed, and found.

That girl she used to be.

Write

What? Write what?
I can't think.

At night,
I am busy with homework.

And there it travels,
through my head,

along my arm,
into my fingers,

and out of my head.
But how? Write what?

I am not ready, prepared,
it has not came to me yet.

Butterfly

You dazzle like the sun.
Rays coming down.

Keeping everyone warm,
and filled with joy.

Your wings go up and down,
representing a life like a heart monitor.

You stop for a moment but pick right back up.

Ant

It may sound silly,
but don't kill that ant.

I yell at my little brother just this.
Don't kill that ant.

As he ponders why, he gives me
this look of disguise.

His mischievous soul,
hovering his foot over this tiny little ant.

He is oh so thoughtful as he asks why?
In which I explain the life of an ant.

The many legs of the scurry away frantically,
as he lowers his leg next to where he was going to stomp.

I explain this ant has a soul,
and he was just born that way.

As a little tiny ant,
and he has little tiny goals.

Like carrying that breadcrumb down the sidewalk,
or crawling deep into that little hole of his ant hill.

He has a family,
and a life and we have no right to deny.

We shall love,
and grow as something that might look cold might be kind.

We don't know this ant,
but we know ourselves and our actions are larger than killing a little life.







(Old Version)
It may sound silly,
but don't kill that ant.

I yell at my little brother,
just this.

As he ponders why,
 he gives this look of disguise.

His mischievous soul,
 is oh so thoughtful as he asks why?

I explain he has a soul,
and he was just born that way.

As a little tiny ant,
and he has little tiny goals.

Like carrying that breadcrumb down the sidewalk.

Happiness

Why are you so hard to find?
I smile through my pain

Just because I do not know how to blind.
I realize I have never been depressed.

I just want to be sane.
I try so hard to be kind.

Then I am used, alone, and denied,
Let me be happy.

Where is my peace?
It seems like this is never easy.

I want the pain to go away.
Yet I cannot seem to seize it.

Control it.
I just live it.

Don't Touch Me. (PTSD)

Loud noises fall to the ground.

As the speakers come from my surroundings.

Harsh voices, that were once soft.

Doors that slam, and were never cared for.

As the waves of sound die as they floor towards the carpet.

I lose myself.

Jumping high as I stutter my sentence.

I am punched with noise from every direction.

Looking odd, as people think I am funny.

They laugh at my gasps, as if I am joking.

I am playing around as my heart thumps quicker.

My anxiety thickens in my veins, almost pouring out.

My breaths become weak, and feel as it if they will never become deep.

My skin starts to tingle, and my hands shake. 

I turn around constantly, looking for you.

I check my surroundings to become aware.

Don't poke me.

Don't play with my hair.

Don't because someone took that.

They stole the length of my body.

I lost my soul beneath the victimization.

My tears are somewhere sweetly hidden, as I wish I could feel emotions.

I will find myself, but today is not that day.

So don't touch me.

As you laugh, think of me.