The Angel Above us

This poem was written for my friend who committed suicide on May 14, 2012

The Angel above us.

She did not need anything too much,
The sweet lister of a book gave her mind a twirl,
Discussions of "Lucky" would make her bloom,
A few good friends, music, and nature was just enough,
The heart of an Angel was filled with room,
While guitar hero, and rock band we would not get off,
The champion of drawings would not just lend,
but was smart, imaginative, and always daring,
She went through so much, and regardless of the situation, she was a friend until the end,
The end will never come though, while she lives in people she never touched,
Art was her expression, but blue was the color she would always wear,
The smile of an Angel was delicate,
You could see the strength in her eyes, and the dreams in her heart,
Her love for life and animals,
The fearfulness in her body was electrifying, and bounced to most anybody that came near,
And of all the kindness in her soul was the strongest,
The simple brush of this Angel is unforgettable.

I hope you have not only enjoyed today up there, but every day and I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love and miss you always XOXO

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one'a definition of your life, but define yourself" -Harvey Fierstein

A message to my little siblings.

You cry and you scream

your little cuts and scrapes are the end of the world

you argue over anything

yet your cries of despair, hurt my ears

I listen and stare

I give you that look a mother would

I care so much, and comfort your tiny tears

your mother and father are just as dear,

but I know your struggles are small

I have been there

I share with you these moments,

as a sister should, and yet some mothers do not,

you have the love from all, so remember always you are beloved,

receiving the love of a world,

you make me toss and turn when you fail

and I am still proud,

you lose your mind over the elementary homework

and little children in school,

I hope am in this future you littles one imagine so clear,

may I just let you know

my darling kids, it is not what you think right now

there is evil, but there is good

the only way to ever know is to share, 

live in the world you are imagining now, 

even if sometimes it does not show, 

your actions define who you are,

even if you forget one day,

you must take accountability for your good and bad times,

though they may haunt you at time, 

forgive yourself,

as everyone in perfect in your own way,

and you two little ones, have the most beautiful imperfections,

at times you make me want to pull my hair out,

and the next moment, you make me laugh and cry at the same time,

you are gorgeous flowers,

go earn your petals.

Quote about careers

"If your career, does not take your breath away every day you are working, you are not working the right job" Kaitlin Bones

House number seven

Being just two when my parents got arrested,
for abusing me and my sisters,

I was thrown in,
the system was bare,
powdered milk spilled everywhere,
toys scattered on the floor,

my first "new"  mommy was nice,
she made me promise to tell the guy in a black suit all "good things",
I was scared, when I first got lice, but mommy said "it was natural"
she just washed them out

I never saw many things moving as these little black things did
Mommy didn't like going outside much
I picked them up and put them on mommy when they fell,

she screamed and yelled, and hit me with the belt,
the other girls told me I was lucky I was "new",
but my treatment would come soon,

I thought I was going to get my nails done like my aunt always did for me,
every year she came up to give us the "treatment" at my old mommy's house,

my new mommy gave me candy whenever the guy in the black suit came over
I rarely ate so I was just so excited,
the guy kept asking me all these questions about the bruises, and cuts,
but I just kept saying "CANDY, CANDY"

I told him mommy told me about bugs "I saw my first bug two days ago".
now being four, I barely got to go outside, but mommy said "You are going to school soon"
A few days later, these men in black and blue came to the door,

they took my new mommy away with this big dog,
I got scared, he kept barking at the shelves,
house number 1 was just a start for what was to come,

house number 2,
I barely got food,
their was so many "brothers and sisters" everywhere
they said I had to be quicker,
Abby always gave me some when no one was looking,
she said "no one likes the newbies,

house number 3,
there was never time to pee,
mommy was always in the bathroom with strange men,
I kept going to the doctors, for check ups because it hurt to go potty,
mommy said she did not know why,

house number 4,
daddy was really poor, he used his "monies" from us to fix his truck,
he said "I cried to much",
he called the guy in the black suit,
and I left the next day,
he said "I love you" when I left"
what does that mean?,


house number 5,
my brother always lied,
I got in too much trouble is what the guy in the black suit said,
I cried when I left

house number 6,
I turned six when I arrived, my new mommy liked to be called "Mom",
it was weird,
she made me do the dishes,
and mop the floors,
one time I spilled the soaps everywhere,
MOM was so mad,
the guy in the black suit picked me up three days later,

house number 7,
I was just seven now and I thought I would leave in a few weeks,
this mommy wanted me to call her  "Amber",
it was just me and her, and I kept crying all the times,
I thought Amber was not my mommy and she was going to call the guy in the black suit,

I spilled the paint when we did MY ROOM,
and she gave me cookies and milk,
I peed my NEW BED twice and she held me in this little ball,
the worst part was when she said "I love you"

I started to cry, and scream and ran to the bathroom,
I did not come out for 3 hours and accidentally locked myself in,
some guy with a big belt had to come over, and get me out,
I ran to my room, and hid under the bed, and when Amber came in I said "give me a bag"

she asked why, and I said "the man in the black suit is coming tommorow",
she said "what man?" I told her the story of house number 4 daddy, and the man that gets me,
Amber came under the bed and we just layed for awhile,

she started to gag, and sob, and held me in that icky ball,
it felt weird, but in a good way,
I never felt like that before,

Amber held me so warm, and said I was hers forever,
she told me she was never letting me go,
and that love meant, we always care for you,

I did not understand my daddy,
but she told me, she was here forever and I could call her anything I want,

I was twenty-two and still lived with my dear Amber,
Amber was only thirty-eight now but I knew then Amber saved my life,
Amber was the only person in the world, I wanted to be like,

She stuck through it all,
my fear of the dark,
or the bathroom alone,
the kitchen pans,
and the laundry room,

Amber is my hero,
and my house number seven,

I love you too Amber

Nameless

Fluffy, and cold

he sat in a cage

staring at all

some would hold him

others just daze

at the end of day it was hard 

for me to bare

looking at his precious limbs

he startted to become fraile

I cannot imagine the pain he cares

and simply his sadness was such a despair

he did not have  a name for he was alone

one day I lost it all 

I did it

I purchased this little dear

now his days are filed with joy

a piece of my heart filled with love

I did not know I shared

my little nameless

Pruned Feet

I sit in the bath,
I do not remember the last time I relaxed,

As two hours pass,
I just sit and stare,

I start to wonder,
and I feel scared,

How many people have just passed?
as I sat and stared at a yellow tile,

I know I barely get to relax,
but as my feet got pruney,

Family's were losing loved ones,
or someone gave birth to a new grandchild,

Life is so precious.

Jennifer

Jennifer

She was five years old, when her mother died,

Her father was an alcholic too,

She held her daddys hand as he walked down that aisle,

Only to give her away to her grandmother,

When she turned twenty one, she went out to a bar,

And then she was twenty seven and her life had flashed,

She had a beautiful five year old child, named Jennifer,

She was a single mom, and had dealt her cards,

Oh Jennifer,

Your mother was beautiful they would tell this sweet little girl,

Jennifer you were nine years old when your mother died, and I was thirteen,

and my papa cried,

Your mother had took care of him in the keep home

Oh Jennifer,

Oh Jennifer,

I would say as I watched you sob, 

every day to the frame on our wall of your Mom,

I tried to help as much I could but a girls love for her mother is just never understood,

Jennifer, you were thirty-five as I laid in bed next to you and I was thirty-nine

as I held your hand, and you lost your last breath,

You fought your battles, and now you can take your heart

and be with your mother,

Oh Jennifer,

Oh Jennifer,

I never knew how much it hurt, as I watched you sob

Until, that day I walked into our daughter's apartment

I found a picture of you in a teal rose frame hung on the wall,

The most important part of it all was Annabelle was lying on the floor,

She lost her mother, thirteen years ago, and she is now twenty-six.

and the tears in her eyes and the melancholy of her pale white skin,

told the story of your life, without words, 

Oh Jennifer,

Oh Jennifer,

I see you everywhere,

I have waited so long to tell you, Jenni,

Being fifty-two I feel I am ready, 

Jennifer, go away,

I love you far to much to have you here next to me,

I have felt your presence in everything I do,

You can let go Jenni,

Be with your mother,

Oh Jennifer,

Oh Jennifer.